Many of you noticed I did not write much this week and I think you sense that it’s been a tough one for me. It has been an exhausting couple of weeks and I am feeling overwhelmed. Tammi’s death was a big hit. A huge loss to our family and a painful reminder that life is short and sometimes the body is just plain weak, broken and unfixable. I work so hard to prove that wrong, but sometimes…it just is.
I flew back to NYC from Southern Indiana on Tuesday night after a beautiful funeral and precious time with my family. I felt overly tired, but physically, I felt ok. I awoke on Wednesday morning with severe pain radiating up and down my spine and through my left shoulder and arm. My herniated disc (the life-changing injury that led me to life on the road) has re-engaged and is producing pain pulsing throughout my body. The internal and external stress that I thought I have been managing, has broken free and my muscles and tendons have become inflamed, pushing into the piece of broken disc remaining along my spine. A severe recurrence like this means surgery is imminent. My body, God, the Universe…all that is…is letting me know that I need to find a better way and time and space for even more care for me. I am spending too much energy on everything else and I need to focus on my physical health immediately. My body is fixable and I need to turn the focus on creating a situation that allows me to fix this.
For the last two days, I have been severely depressed and honestly, feeling sorry for myself. I felt so close to launching some major things career-wise and this wake up call seems ill-timed at best. It feels like I’m trapped in my body at the time I am about to leap across the finish line to start the new race of my dreams. My spirit, bursting with information, help, care and love for others and for me, is trapped in this body that can barely walk, sit or sleep comfortably anymore. My mind has been struggling to focus on any work through the pain. My journals are disjointed and incoherent, much like the pain messages coming off my nerve endings.
Tonight, I went for a long, slow walk. I stepped on, even as I wanted to head home and take some pain medicine and go to sleep for days. I tried to clear my head, look at the clouds, touch the trees and smile at people as I walked. As I walked, I was able to see that even this, I can and will handle. This pain has purpose and maybe I need a little detour. Maybe what I was doing, wasn’t quite the right thing. Maybe there’s a new door about to open that I have not been seeing because my focus has been on other things. I know that I can’t ignore this pain that has chased me all year long. It is time to face it. It is time to walk through this fire. I’m not sure how long it will take, but I can tell you, I hear the words loud and clear…It’s Time To Take Care Of Kelly.
Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. It’s time to open up to healing this pain that has tried to suffocate me so many times these last eighteen months. I’m a winner. I never accept defeat. I only accept that sometimes, I have to choose a little differently than I originally thought.
And…I’ll still be around here…writing and sharing. You all help me to see that living in the light is the only way to get through the pain. It was a tough week or two, but tomorrow is a brand new day. I will figure this out.
Kelly travels across the country sharing her One Person, One Community, One Nation Movement. She is changing the face of the nation one connection, one adventure and one inspirational story at a time. Kelly delivers a front row seat to the best of the United States of America.